Why aren’t there more women in STEM? Because they’re stupid and illiterate.

I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.

I’m so old that I was the tv remote when I was a kid

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

When it comes to penis size I’m happy to report that I’m actually a little above average. Thank god for Asians.

If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are. Preposterous.

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, I’m giving you a blow job!

“pew, pew, pew!” -me, pointing out seating options in a church

Did you guys see Micheal J. Fox’s icebucket challenge? The water was so cold , he’s still shaking.