Man walks into taxidermist. Asks a deer “you want a bite of my sandwich?” Deer replies “No thanks I’m STUFFED!”

Knock knock. “Who’s there?” Creepy. “Creepy who?” This is a nice bedroom you have.

What’s the difference between a special needs worker and a gardener? One of them has to water their vegetables

The way you feel while mumbling through that part of the song you don’t know is how I feel about all my life decisions.

What do lesbians cook for dinner? Nothing; they eat out!

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

A day before the elections Hillary tells Bill: “You know, tomorrow there will be two presidents in one bed.” Next day Bill asks Hillary: “So.. do I wait Trump here or should I go over to his place?”

A fox walks into a diner and orders a six layered sandwich.

How is Budweiser like Making Love in a Canoe? It’s Fucking Close to Water.

[infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*