The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days

Heroin is like a baby.. ..it feels so amazing to have in your arms.

How does a painter support their art in this economy? Easel-y

I never knew why a Frisbee became larger as it got closer… Then it hit me. . . ^^^I’m ^^^sorry

What’s the bet part about having sex with twenty two year olds? There’s twenty of them!

My wife left me for my brother My twin brother.

Today we’re celebrating the five-year anniversary of me and the woman who works down the hall avoiding eye contact with each other.

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a kangaroo? A kangamoo!