I used to be an Uncle like you… …Until I took an arrow to the niece.

The Orgasm Time Machine A coming of age story.

Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency? Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets? Kangaroo: Oh nevermind

It’s a great time to be a horse caretaker in this economy Stable jobs are hard to come by these days.

What soft drink do pigs like best? Root beer.

Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door] “TRICK OR TREAT!” You kids are in for a real treat… *slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

If you want an adrenaline rush, you should go camping… It’s in tents.

start out every morning with positive thoughts then put them in a pile and light them on fire to speed shit up

Women are like bathrooms stalls…. ….they’re all dirty, except the handicap ones -Jim Jeffries