Did you hear what they found in Jeffrey Dahmer’s freezer? Ben and Jerry

Decided to burn a lot of calories today so I’m thinking of setting a fat kid on fire.

“No comment” said no woman, ever

I saw a bald eagle take a shit mid-flight today. I’ve never been prouder to be an American.

Why does Bernie always hold the podium while giving a speech? It’s tough to stand on your own when you have no spine.

Me: bedtime! Brain: you’re hungry M: no I’m not B: thirsty then M: nope B: uhh sad? M: doing ok B: you forgot to do that thing M: nice try

Don’t let a Chromosome get you down One of my personal favorites.

My Emmy party went off without a hitch despite my cat not answering me when I asked her who crocheted the dress she was wearing.

Having identical twins is great because if you misplace one you have a second copy.

why did no one listen to the wheelchair joke? It had no back story.