Why did the dog jump into the sea? He wanted to chase the catfish!

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind

Why do Mexican students act like they own the school? Because there mom cleans it and there dad fixed the roof

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

What do you call an Eskimo optometrist? …An optical Aleutian. I actually made this one up. But if someone else said it first, I wouldn’t be surprised.

I put Pepsi in my car instead of gas and now it doesn’t work so think of that next time you reach for a refreshing soda.

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar Schrodinger’s cat walks out of a bar

TIL: Hitler was a very emotional golfer …Every time his ball went into a bunker, he became suicidal!

Jesus wasn’t a very good carpenter… I mean… He couldn’t remove three nails to save his life.

Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.