My favorite part about ordering a salad on the first date is going into the bathroom and eating 6 mini donuts.

How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? None because only beavers give a dam.

[ugly sweater contest] *starts sweating* *takes home the gold*

I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis. I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

My friend’s wife is so controlling. When they’re together, he talks like he’s filming a hostage video.

big pharma. if youre reading this i have an idea for a pill that makes you tinier so you can fit into secret zones. i will let you invent it

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don’t stay around and watch other people do your job.

What did the caveman say when he tried to have sex in his dark cave? I fucking rock.

And on another note… Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.

I only believe 2 things 1. Respect a woman that says no 2. Never take no for an answer