My wife told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her twice, and hit her with a brick.

There’s seldom a fun word that follows “early onset.”

Why should you always carry a knife around? Because sharp wits won’t always give you the edge.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

What do you call a lazy lizard? A procrastigator.

A Jew, a woman, and a racist walk into a bar. The bartender says “I bet you thought this was going to be about the elections, didn’t you?”

If Taylor Lautner bites you, how much time do you have until you turn gay?

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I wonder if this whole Ebola thing is going to go viral Thoughts?

It was just a homeless man defecating in an elevator, but that’s when the real shit went down.