There are two kinds of people in this world that I cannot stand * Those who are intolerant to other people’s cultures. * The Dutch.

RadioShack is on the verge of shutting down. . . I guess its batteries are running out

An awesome person fills you with awe, which stands to reason that a handsome person will fill you with hand.

What’s mostly red and has 2 legs? Half of a cat.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song. HER: This isn’t our song. ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

dont be sad, girl. u are like a iceberg.. 90% of ur beauty is below the surface. now 95%. now 100% OMG GIRL ARE YOU DROWNIMG

Why do comedians always have such bad sleeps? Because they fall asleep funny!

A local radio station was finishing up a competition and the woman said she was “racking up the tally” I guess that makes her a **tallyracker**.

Women are like leaves… Sometimes they fall out of trees and I’ve never had sex with one

My sex life is like a Wild West saloon… Liquor in the front, poker in the rear