Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7? I still love vista, baby

What did the pregnant blonde ask at the doctor’s office? …Is it mine?

So, you know how they put that magic hat on Frosty and it makes him talk? I wonder if there’s one that works in reverse, but for children.

Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.

Wife: Guess what I did Me: Captured Bigfoot? Wife: I got a great deal on kid’s clothes Me: Just so I’m clear, Bigfoot is still out there?

What do we want? Race Car Noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeoooooooowwwww!

Cat lovers.

I think this is a repost. Why did Lady Diana cross the road? She wasn’t wearing her seat belt.