AMA: US government thinks I am an ET dealing drugs Because I am an illegal alien.

The fact Michael Jackson had to ask Annie if she was OK nearly 100 times in four minutes makes me think she probably wasn’t OK.

I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics. He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

“Dad what IS the moon?” It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking? Slow down and use lubricant.

Just bought a Jehovah Witness Advent calendar… Every time you open a door, a voice tells you to fuck off.

Today, my son, Sam, told me that he wanted to become a woman. I’ve always wanted a Trans Sam.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.” Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?” Me: “I FORGOT!”

Who was Japan’s favorite racist comedian? Charlie JAPlin. hahahaahhaha stop racism.

How many guys in the Friendzone does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just stand around complimenting it, and then get pissed when another guy screws it.