[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum] I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

What do recent college graduates and felons have in common? It takes three to five years before anyone will hire them.

When I lived on the street, I always wanted to become a plumber, get a home, and run a business… But that was just a pipe dream.

Apple’s new iphone sold over 13M units this past weekend I guess you can say it was a 6S

I tried to get an hourglass figure… …but then I realised it would just be a waist of time.

want a smart girl, a nice girl, a romantic girl. But most importantly, I want these women to never meet.

When I die… I just want 2016 to be my pallbearer, so it can let me down one last time.

A snake walks into a bar… The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.