Witch: Doctor doctor I don’t feel well. Doctor: Don’t worry you’ll just have to go to bed for a spell.

I opened my fortune-cookie. There was nothing inside. Does that mean i have no future?

If one more person asks me to do a summersault…. …….I swear I’m going to flip!!!

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don’t have to retrain them on Monday.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It’s a really obscure number…you’ve probably never heard of it.

What’s Ronald Reagan’s favorite vegetable? James Brady

They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

A little boy wrote a letter to Santa stating he wanted a little sister The next day he got a letter from santa saying: Ok send me your mother

People as ticklish as me shouldn’t get pedicures. I’ve kicked this Asian in the face twice already.

“Not gay enough” – superhero working on his costume