Walked by Starbucks today. The line was out the door. I’ve never seen so many pink cell phone cases in one place.

A mushroom walks into a bar… And the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here”. So the mushroom says “Why? I’m a fun guy”.

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

You know what I’d like for Christmas, mom? I’d like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I’d like some money and some new socks.

Why does the pedophile like Halloween? Free shipping.

I buy all my guns from a guy named “T-Rex” He’s a small arms dealer

Did I tell you the joke about my penis? Oh never mind it’s too long.

California Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.

What do you call a jerking off well-endowed midget? A huge short coming.

When I masturbate at home… I’m at homecoming.