I’m adopted and I’m glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me. But why everyday?

What do you call a very nosy spice? Jalapeno Business You need to say this in a pretty thick Hispanic accent for it to work. I heard it from some classmates.

Me: Goodnight moon Moon: night. Me: What? Moon: nothing. It’s fine. Me: You’re acting distant Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

I love cheese! Cheese: I have a boyfriend

Girl, do you have 67 protons? Cuz you a Ho

Why hasn’t anyone seen or recorded humpback whales having sex? They like it deep.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in* Him:*middle finger* Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?” Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Where do retired pigs go for warm weather? The tropigs!