I have an inferiority complex But it’s a not very good one…:(

Just saw a magazine cover that said “Katy Perry is on fire” so I bought it and they meant it as a metaphor and this whole week is bullshit

I just watched a film about a couple who bought a haunted yoghurt. It’s called Paranormal Activia.

[traffic court] Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets JUDGE: Repeat infractions? Ok, I’m here to dispute 4/5 of my tickets

The font for alphabet soup Is times new ramen.

I used to have a fear of speed bumps But I’m slowly getting over it

I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.

DUMBLEDORE: Who’s brought evil into Hogwarts? HARRY: I think it’s Malfoy, professor! DARK MYSTERIOUS NEW TEACHER: Oh come on

There’s no attraction quite as strong as tomato sauce & a white shirt

TIL: A second is called a second because it’s not first.