*at the confessional Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’ Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

Stop saying “I Wish” and start saying “I Will”.

If all the corner pieces of a cake are gone, I calmly pull the emergency icing out of my purse & frost the edges of an inside piece.

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

I bought a new boomerang… and went damn near crazy trying to throw the old one away!

Why did a girl leave his boyfriend for a mushroom? because he wasn’t a fungi!

Where do all the good boys go to hide away? r/cringepics Based off Daya’s song “Hide Away”

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

What is “Mary” short for? She has no legs!

My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication.