Why do windbreakers smell bad? Because all they do is break wind.

Great big polar bear(she says what?) It broke the ice!

Giving “the silent treatment” only matters to those who want to hear what you have to say.

For the past couple of years, I have been saying that the only holidays worth celebrating are the equinoxes and the solstices. I find all of the others to be astronomically unimportant.

I like my coffee like I like my women….. Ground up and stuck in the freezer.

What’s the difference between a car tire and 365 blowjobs? One’s a Goodyear… and one’s a *great* year.

accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on

Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Tianjin’s disaster could have been prevented… After all, the experts have warned us that China’s population might explode.