I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

What do you call an elephant that no one needs? Irrelephant.

[1st date] HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Why did the rooster get 20 years in prison? He got caught on the internet, looking up chicks.

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window? Kurt and Rod

Can you think of something more ironic than being a gay chiropractor? Choosing a career in which your job is to make people straight again.

Making dinner in a slow cooker involves two of my favorite things: food and panicking that I’ve left an appliance on for seven hours.

I asked her if she had ever tried 69 I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, “No, but I have done 53 — that’s all the sailors I could screw in one night.”

People say America is free, but Korea is free too! Whenever I was born, my parents gave me a choice: Piano or Violin.