How many members of the NRA does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More guns.

I found Zoloft delays my orgasm Ey, Jack, you late.

Why’d the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.

Everyone had that one lesbian gym teacher growing up.

I was going to post my best Madeline McCann joke but my parents would kill me

What do you call someone who worships Doritos? A chip monk.

How do you know when a politician is lying? When you see their lips moving!

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?” “officer, I’m…” *turns to camera* “double jointed” *cop starts breakdancing*

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

What did the emperor of Arabia do at tea time? The Caliph ate.