Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world’s record for drinking tea? They found him dead in his Tee Pee.

What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream? Sherbert. (I can’t take credit for this amazing piece of comedy. Heard it from a friend, no idea if he came up with it or not.)

Ugh man, I hate when pornos try to have a story. Don’t act all surprised dude, just do her.

My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don’t want to do it right now I’m taking steps to prevent the measure

All this buzz about Iron Man 2 is really going to hurt the opening weekend of my movie Steel Dude.

Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it’s a two-star hotel.

I had a really big shit the other day. It was a real pain in the ass.

Happiness is a relative thing. I finally have some extra money and suddenly my relatives are happy.

The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

The dictator forced everyone to work in the butter industry. Some men just want to watch the world churn.