Are candles happy or sad when they are put out? They are delighted.

Are they shutting twitter down anytime soon? I need to do life stuff.

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver… She asked if I had orange juice. We’ve been dating since.

I walked up to a group of girls. I said, “Would you like to see a magic trick?” “Yes,” they smiled eagerly. Then I handed them a David Blaine DVD and walked off.

My penis and I are really good friends but… We’ve never really seen eye to eye

Dad joke #31939: A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

Today I wanted to make a broken pencil pun But there’s no point.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three… The one on the left The one on the right And of course, the Final Front Ear

I’m not saying you’re a jackass but… You’re the kind of guy who would buy Anne Frank a drum set.

Elderly woman ahead of me at Subway is paying for her lunch with nickels and now I don’t even give a shit about health care reform.