Gerald: “Have you ever come across a man who at the slightest touch caused you to thrill and tremble in every fiber of your being?” Mabel: “Yes the dentist.”

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer!

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife’s clothes

The person that invented toilet paper is easily the most under-appreciated hero in human history

I’d make a political joke here I’m just afraid it would be elected.

Why did the cat stop singing? Because it was out of tuna.

“This is the one I use for wiping” – Handshakes

What is the definition of a semicolon? Something I usually have after a long night of drinking.

How is the Easter Bunny like Shaquille O’Neal? They’re both famous for stuffing baskets!

If you say “My Cocaine” out-loud, you are also saying “Michael Caine” in his own voice – MIND OFFICIALLY BLOWN