I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges. We called him Martin Loofah King.

What is the difference between spinach and boogers? Kids don’t eat spinach

i need to stop imagining scenarios in my head that have a -2% chance of actually happening it’s becoming a problem

What is Donald Trump’s favorite song? Wonderwall Mexican cover

How many Chinese people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, while the rest were kung fu fighting

Get a TATTOO they said! A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said! Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

Chuck Norris once flushed a condom Three weeks later the ninja turtles were born

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

What’s better than roses on the piano ? Tulips on the organ.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom? ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small