I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse: If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

So, a baby seal walks into a club… *Best joke i’ve ever heard.*

I hate when the whole Internet mourns someone’s death & I have to Google them to find out if they were a politician, an athlete or a Muppet.

Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.

What makes football players bi-sexual? They play with Cleats and Balls all day.

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in- law? Outlaws are wanted.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what happens when a Foghorn blows? I say-I say, you get cum in your mouth

Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling Me: what’s that? Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*

I’ve got an Intracranial Embolism… …at least, that’s what my doctor told him when I mentioned that I had Bad Blood stuck in my head.