The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited I mean, you should’ve seen the look that wasn’t on their faces.

I organised a little surprise party for a girl from work. She didn’t show – so I guess I’ll just go back into her loft and wait.

Some guy scared me after class and I dropped all my notes He scared me sheet-less.

[wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? “Uhh, SOMEONE said I don’t glisten very well?”

How many Egalitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Doesn’t matter, they’ll just screw it one rotation one way and one rotation the other way and call it equality.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

You know what’d be an AMAZING prank for April Fool’s Day, Reddit? If you could stay up for 24 hours straight :3

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

What did Santa say when he had to travel through the desert? “My chestnuts are roasting”