An illegal alien, a communist, and a Muslim walk into a bar The bartender says, “Hello, Mr. President!”

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph.

ME: I think I have a get out of jail free card COP: this is a do 1 jail sentence get the next sentence 50% off & it’s for our other location

What did General Custer’s advisors tell him before the Battle of Little Bighorn? Don’t do it, it’s Siouxicide

I know a mathematician who can’t afford lunch. He can binomial.

Coworker: What would be your ideal- Me: Sleeping CW: But you didn’t let me finish my- M: My answer is always sleeping.

The McRib is back. Because you’re getting new underwear for Christmas anyway.

I’m taking an ornithology class as an elective to boost my GPA. It’s a bird course.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.