What did one banana say to another banana? I find you a-peeling

I asked my boyfriend if I brought Joy to his life… “Yes,” he said. “I knew it,” I said, “That backstabbing bitch!”

I hate when I press 1 for English and still get an Indian person.

Why did the carpenter’s wife leave him? He was screwing around when he was supposed to be nailing her.

Did you hear about the truck that spilt concrete across the road? It wasn’t cement to happen.

3 cars back at the Burger King drive thru gives you a devastating amount of time to consider your missteps.

This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy & now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.

Did you hear about the new Drake Beats Headphones? The softest headphones out there.

Guy asks his friend: “I heard you were out til 5 am last night. You must have been partying pretty hard?” Friend: “Did you just assume my bender?!”

Have you heard of the artist Jackson Polyp? He could only paint with splatters and he hung out with some real assholes.