Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like. Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.

I aint racist! I LOVE NASCAR!

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in? A: Handcuffs.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she flirted with the road’s husband.

Girls must gain like a 4 point bump after you’ve had a few drinks. Cause I’m in a bar in Greece, and these dames around me look like a 5 right now.

What do you call a mob of armed lesbians? Militia Etheridge

I saw a Sword-Swallowing act on TV and it said ‘Don’t try this at home’. So I went to the park and tried it. Still fucking hurt myself.

I used to not get on with my mother-in-law but over the last few months I’ve developed quite an attachment for her. It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!

Why did the Ottoman empire collapse? Once your stack of Ottomans gets to a certain height it will fall over.

what kind of file makes a 1 inch hole into a 3 inch hole? a pedophile