I wonder if caterpillars know they’re gonna fly some day or they just start building a cocoon and are like ‘why am I doing this’.

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping ever since.

I can’t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.

When I see starving children in 3rd world countries, I get so sad knowing there’s no way they’ll ever be able to retweet me.

How does Dracula keep fit? He plays batminton.

What does 9/11 and owning CP have in common? The government will watch you for the next 15+ years

How do you catch a slutty bee? With a hornet.

Two books arm wrestle. One ruptures is appendix, the other helps him rebind it.

Change is always hard…. Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

I lent my deck of cards to an this idiot I work with, and he gave me only 51 back. He was a jack-off.