What would you do if you were a ghost?

They should pass out condoms at the election That way the American people can at least be safe when they’re fucked

Q: Why do ducks look so sad? A: Because when they preen their feathers, they look down in the mouth.

What subject are snakes good at school ? Hiss-tory !

[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring

My wife is like a Mermaid Below her pelvis, she smells like fish.

Did you hear about the baker’s son? He was in-bred.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut