Spidy nonsense Sometimes I feel like spider man. Once I had Gwen Stacy, now I just have Mary Jane.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Knock Knock… Horizontally Knock Knock. Who’s there? Horizontally Horizontally who? Quick, The *whore is onto me* hide me from my wife.

Ambitious workaholics in Taiwan typically have a Taipei personality.

For the next president we should just elect the CEO of a dildo company at least they’re honest about how they fuck people

What happened to the tyrannical fruit? He was impeached!

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Tripping… J.K. Rowling

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Direct from my 8-year old: How do nursing babies blow their noses? With breast tissue.