People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My grandpa died in Auschwitz… He fell off a watchtower

Caught my wife cheating with the neighbor today so I smashed our big screen tv onto his head. That will teach them to prewatch the jeopardy dvr and try to outscore me without me knowing!

What’s the difference between a penis and a vagina.. Unfortunately, in my case … only 2 inches. :'(

My dog keeps trying to get my attention but until he plays that Sarah McLachlan song I’m not gonna take him seriously.

What’s long, green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s finger.

Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.

My brother got into a car accident today I asked where he got into the accident at and how he was doing. He said he got into the accident in Oklahoma and that he is doing OK.

How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood? He was jacking off one day and his hand caught on fire.

Why do hurricanes always have female names? At first they are wet and wild, but then they take away your car and your house.

What does a dentist do on a roller coaster?…He braces himself