How to make Holy Water.. You boil the hell out of it.

everything happens for a reason and the reason is stupid

If I had $1.00 for each person I had sex with, I would pay my rent But just because I’m currently homeless

Giving compliments… …to women is like pot-hitting in a mine field.

apparently math tests aren’t like pregnancy tests and peeing on them IS FROWNED UPON IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.

My wife likes to tell me she is worshipped in india… She’s a fat cow.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A solid 10, but imaginary

Which musician is the most generous? Cher

still can’t say “jk” without whispering “rowling”

When she texts “I Love You”… but Auto-correct changes it to “who is this”