I just got asked to work on a “special project” which is boss for “This was assigned to me but you’re smarter so here you do it.”

When is a Jewish fetus considered a human being? When it graduates from medical school

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Tied up on the back of a donkey.

What’s your favorite pick up line? Mine is the Ford F Series.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

What kind of cigars does Baby Jesus smoke? (Mmmph!) Meek & Milds!!!! :0

i mute every grouptext cuz friendship is cool but also generally annoying

Ever heard of a Freudian slip? It’s when you say one thing but mean your mother.

What’s black, grey, and red all over? A gorilla with a child in the enclosure.