My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

Damn, girl are you Twitter? Because I can’t stop staring at you and saying stupid things.

When you tell someone that you’re asexual… You then have two people who do not give a fuck.

Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

What did the aliens say, when they came to earth in search of soda pop? Take me to your liter!

So I’m trying to get myself to be ambidextrous. I’m halfway there!

When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.

Your so bald your bald

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.