People are making apocalypse posts likes there’s no tomorrow.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

So I’m having sexy times With my girl when I stop and hold perfectly still. She asks “what are you doing?” I say “it’s a new move I learned on the Internet, it’s called buffering!”

April showers bring May flowers Mayflowers bring Small Pox.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?” Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”

I’m going to start a grocery store to compete with Food Lion I think I’ll call it Nourishment Cheetah

Is my wife dissatisfied with me? A tiny part of me says yes..

I’m attracted to fat chicks… …by the force of gravity

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”