[job interview] interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years? me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

I’m not sure if I heard a bootleg firecracker… or a pound of dynamite.

Altoids has begun marketing to the LGBT community. Their new mints are bi-curiously strong.

I’m still a virgin because I’m waiting for someone special. I have a retard fetish.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

Wanna hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism Credit: http://www.tickld.com/x/the-25-best-two-line-jokes-ever-14-is-priceless

What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.

What does Charlie Sheen say when he’s having sex with a Vietnamese Lady? Nguyenning!

If I had a time machine, I’d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.