It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Why do we never run out of math teachers? Because they are always multiplying.

What does the horse call the pigs on his farm? Neigh-boars.

Two men walk into a bar…. The third one ducks.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s! Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Do you know why you should never program a women class? Because women aren’t objects.

I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

Why did Hitler kill himself? The Jews sent him a gas bill.

Give a girl an inch and she’ll want the other 6 too

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?