How did Saddam deal with his leftovers? He used sarin wrap

Why was my other pillow jealous? Because I like to sleep around.

I try so hard not to upset my vegan girlfriend. I’m constantly treading on eggshells. Which she also doesn’t approve of.

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding. Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

What the person on the street corner approaching me w a pamphlet doesn’t understand is I want the world to end

How do you figure out how sensitive a man’s balls are? Test tickles

How do you know a redneck invented the tooth brush? We would have called it a teeth brush

Yesterday my wife got stung by a bee while golfing I asked where, and she informed me it was between the first and second holes. Being the helpful type, I advised her that her stance was too wide.

*pushes vending machine over NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

Kanye West says he’s the Michael Jordan of music. If he’s talking about the time when Michael Jordan was playing baseball, I totally agree.