I’m gonna put a Whoopee Cushion on the front of my car so that if I hit anything it’d atleast be a little funny.

Today I got a job offer as a Mexican child kidnapper… …Gracias, pero no pedo.

How did Moses make his tea? Hebrews it

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they’d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.

What is the difference between pot and pussy? If you can smell the pussy across the room, it’s probably not the good stuff.

I’ve been getting way too deep into the Prague Surrealist movement lately. I think I need a Reality Czech.

A man died and the whole country was in mourning then it became the afternoon, followed by the evening and then the night.

“Too soon” joke? Did you hear about that International France Futball game last night? I heard it was the bomb.

I got a new thesaurus. It’s terrible. On top of that, it’s also terrible.