When you don’t know, what you are doing, it’s best, to do it quickly.

[food naming committee] … Ok. Cow? – Beef Ground up? – Burger Great. Pig? – Pork Baked & sliced? – Ham Super! Deer? – Venison Fish? – Fish

How does a spider know if he just had sex with an actual female? She eats him alive afterward.

LPT: How to meet the man/woman of your dreams. Go to sleep. [Heard this from a friend so not mine and probably not hers]

I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 pm The clock turned to 12:00 and I thought to myself, “Same shit, different day.”

What do you call a Tolkien creature who studies insects? An *Ent*omologist

**SEX.** SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX. Now that you have my attention, go do the dishes for me.

What did the little boy with no hands get for Christmas? Cancer.

Chuck Norris was at an interview … And he ended up giving the guy head but didn’t give him the job.

I had a pet owl that like to sing songs to me… …it was really a hoot.