She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

Why is wrestling stupid?? It’s a bunch of guy’s without pants fighting for a belt….

If you believe in the end of the world tomorrow… I’m going to keep making end of the world jokes like there’s no tomorrow

I love Brown people… but I fucking hate Muslims.

Why did the man throw his watch out the window? He wanted to see time fly!

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

There are 10 types if people in the world Those who understand binary and those who don’t

What’s little,metal, and will ruin dinner A bullet in your face

What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

My cat Minton just swallowed a shuttle cock. Bad Minton.