What did the vegan say when he saw someone familiar? I’ve seen herbivore.

*Sets fire to city* Pppffttt… More like the Roman em-pyre… -Attila the Pun

Got the cheese sweats. Got the cheese sweats real bad.

My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child. She takes The Sims very seriously.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

I like my women like I like my whisky… 22 years old and mixed with coke.

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.

Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950’s. Means, technically, you’re likely hearing dead people laughing.

A friend and I got into a fight on a ski lift. It was an uphill battle.

Since It’s summer here’s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey