Trump’s ego is so big… Trump’s ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he’s jerking off. -Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

What’s better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.

Yesterday I was charged with kidnapping… That’s the last time I fall asleep on a goat!

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

Why can’t you keep a secret from cattle? They herd

how many Mexicans… How many Mexicans does it take to… Oh shit, they’re already done.

How do you cut down a hipster tree? A suuh dude!

My Gpa said… My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

Why can’t Java programmers see well? Because of the eclipse

How can we make people tell the truth? “Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”