Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it* when did you first notice your back hurting? “after the knife went in”

Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you’ve Gone Commando a few times in your life.

Why did Loki want the tesseract? to get rid of his tesserection

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

My friend went into a sudden trance where she imagined she was stuck in a Pistachio. I told her to snap out of it. -She couldn’t.-

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

Ah ? ha ? ha ? ha ? stayin’ alive, stayin alive ? ? ? ?.

ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

A Call of Duty player goes to Town… … on your mom. Xx420MLGNoScopexX