How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce the word “unionized.”

“Don’t quote me on that.” -anonymous

[phone call] Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi? Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You’re just going to have to be a little patient.

Why is glue white? If it were black it would run. It just wouldn’t work.

Why is the quadratic formula so cool? Because it has ‘ac’.

What do you call a pig behind a car wheel? A ham brake !

Q.How can you tell when a Chicago Fireman is dead? A. The remote control slips from his hand.

This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table Looking at it, you wouldn’t know it