I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache, And then suddenly she’s not your friend anymore…

Where’s the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse? Radio Shack. Not even the brain dead would go there.

Got my left hand an awesome Valentines card and vibrating glove.

What do you call jokes about eyes? Vitreous humour.

I hate people who use the wrong words in a sentence and don’t correct themselves They sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Why are Dendrochronologists Forever Alone?

Greece announced they are going to default on their nearly 1.8 billion dollar loan Who would’ve thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?

Who’s the roundest knight at King Arthur’s court? Circumference.

How do you say “No, I’m full” in Grandmother?

Why did the farmer screw their sheep on a cliff? They push back harder. (Told to me by my NZ step father about Australians, of course.)