Remember, people only rain on your parade because they’re jealous of your sun & tired of their shade.

TIL that there are over 1 million battered women in the US. And I’ve been eating mine plain! Who knew?

Why was the monster sitting in his Easter basket? He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!

The first rule of Fight Club is till death do us part.

So I heard your mum is into fitness.. Fitness dick in her mouth

What do you get when you mix a lesbian and a platypus? A lickalottapus.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive

I would put a webcam in my shower to make extra money, but I would hate having to only sing public domain songs.

Do you know what a pirate’s favorite letter is? You’d think it would be “Arrrr” but it’s actually the C.

How do you know when your sister is on her period? When your dad’s dick tastes like blood.