mythical anciemt turtel that canot die has been found in the galapagos. “dont worry” says one scientist “we wil find a way to kill it”

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

[Gets down on one knee] We can save $7.99 a month if we share a single Netflix account.

My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was “practically screaming out at her” That’s the last time I buy her an orphan

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Why did the traffic light turn red? You’d turn red too if you had to change in the street.

Have you heard about the invention of the shovel? It was groundbreaking

Yo Mama So Ugly… Bill Cosby needed to drug himself to fuck her

I met the woman of my dreams playing Pokemon GO then she got hit by a car.

Did you hear Chewbaca won the NFL MVP his first year in the league? It was a great Wookie season!